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Nov 10 16 5:27 AM
Jan 2 17 11:56 AM
Jan 7 17 11:42 AM
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the
car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any
real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out
of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front
of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he
stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd,
and that’s all I need to know.”
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always
paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One
day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of
his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless
every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this
closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do
you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
Feb 6 17 10:00 AM
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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became
boiled down to 4-letter words:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend, if you have one."
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
-Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde.
uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than
illumination." - Andrew
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But
this wasn't it."
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